The Consensus on Remarriage as Permissible: We May Be Missing Something
A divorced father once reached out to me for advice because his teenage daughter hated his fiancée. But before I talk about that, allow me first to briefly sketch out the current situation:
- Mountainous evidence tells of the destructiveness of divorce and remarriage on the lives of children
- Second marriages are about twice as likely to end in divorce as first marriages
- The clearest guidance from Christian pastors and scholars regarding post-divorce remarriage is that a consensus finds it permissible.[1]
This leads to a question almost nobody is asking: Considering the impact of remarriage on children, is it actually wise to remarry? To clarify, what I mean by “almost nobody” is essentially those outside of the sociological research (researchers and those interested), so biblical scholars and the general public. This is a major research area (evidenced by the publication of such academic journals as The Journal of Divorce and Remarriage) so I don’t mean “almost nobody” in an absolute sense, just “almost nobody” in the general public. The common opinion among the general western population is that if a divorcee remarries, that is an obviously positive thing.
Permission
In Protestant traditions, Biblical scholars and pastors (usually) tell us remarriage is permissible (this essay is too short to consider the Roman Catholic teaching). This was true in Moses’ Ancient Near Eastern context, and in the First Century Jewish and Greco-Roman contexts of Jesus and Paul. It is widely acknowledged that the bill of divorce, which enters world history in Deuteronomy,[2] ensured the right of divorced women to remarry.[3] Well-known also is that Roman law (relevant to Paul’s Corinthian correspondence) recognized divorce via physical separation[4] and remarriage as a right. Paul seems to not counter permission to remarry.[5]
But when we say something is permissible, we merely acknowledge that it does not violate a command or prohibition. “Permissible” does not mean “good” (or “bad”), so this cannot be the end of the discussion. Permission in Christian ethics is closely related to the concept of duty or obligation. A permissible action is one not expressly prohibited by a command.[6] Discernment is required when considering such an action, because it may be subject to other obligations or prohibitions. Scripture does not prohibit eating junk food either, yet the broad biblical teaching on care for the body (as gift and temple) and avoidance of unnecessary risk (principle of caution) means eating junk food could be sinful depending on the situation (practice over principle). Permission is not a statement of an action’s morality per se; it simply means its morality is situational. So perhaps a better way to frame the question is can remarriage still be immoral even if permitted? As Ian Malcolm warns in Jurassic Park, let’s not be so preoccupied with whether we can that we don’t stop to ask if we should.
Why People Remarry
The 1980’s and 90’s saw the publication of thousands of scholarly articles and books debating the biblical teaching on divorce and remarriage. Extraordinarily few even mention this question. This presents a problem for the Christian divorcee contemplating subsequent marriage. This dearth is troubling considering many popular articles found perusing Google are, let’s say, confused at best. Not that Google is a trove of wisdom, but many people (including me when I went through my divorce) may very well begin there just to see what opinions are floating around.
The most common reasons to remarry found in such articles[7]include you’ve fallen in love again, you want to, you’re financially compatible, you don’t need to but want to, and second marriages are different experiences. Notice most of these are, definitionally speaking, not reasons.
One article lists readers’ personal and recommended reasons for remarriage, with suggestions such as when “the one” walks into your life. Readers do mention companionship, but also say to get remarried because “when you know, you just know,” and one reader’s reason is “I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ve got two marriages under my belt and I’m at it again.”[8] Like the mom in the story who always cuts the ends off the Christmas ham without realizing her mother’s recipe simply betrayed her small pan size, too many seem not to know why they get married at all, let alone remarried (or what “reasons” are).
A Very Brief Account of How we Got Here
Barbara Dafoe Whitehead’s The Divorce Culture sheds some light on this confusion by discussing a shift that occurred in the early 1970’s from marriage and divorce primarily focused on the well-being of children to marriage and divorce primarily focused on the happiness of the individual parents,[9] what sociologist Andrew Cherlin calls the rise of “soulmate marriage.”[10] Third and fourth wave feminism’s severing of procreation from sexuality, seen in the rise in prevalence of contraception and abortion rights,[11] was applied to marriage itself. Marriage, and thus divorce, has effectively been severed from childrearing, making monogamous marriage and the nuclear family no longer the near-universal normative unit for familial and societal stability, becoming instead a vehicle for personal development and expression.
This rehearsal of cultural shifts begins to illuminate our concerns. There are some serious philosophical questions we must ask ourselves. In a consequentialist culture, why isn’t the negative impact of divorce and remarriage on children a stronger deterrent?[12] Part of the answer is the value of individual parental happiness now trumps the value of the well-being of children in the divorce-remarriage calculus.[13] But why? Part of that answer has to do with late feminism’s and postmodernity’s Kantian identification of the individual with their choices. My identity and relationships are those I choose. And this helps explain conventions surrounding telling children about one’s remarriage, like one article that recommends telling children only “once you know the new relationship is committed,”[14] as if children having a say in the new relationship is out of the question. The result? The children end up shouldering the emotional burden for their parent, whose primary loyalty has shifted to the new partner [some 1980’s children’s books essentially coached children through being an emotional support for their divorcing parent–Whitehead’s The Divorce Culture contains numerous examples]. The decision to remarry is deemed private and does not include the children. While many issues exist attendant to remarriage, the following will consider just this one aspect (notifying one’s children about a new relationship) as an example.
In Practice
A divorced father once reached out to me for advice because his teenage daughter hated his fiancée. After some chatting, he admitted—dismayed, realizing this probably should have been obvious—he had never considered giving his children a say in his engagement. I did not hear what ultimately happened, but he clearly underwent a values adjustment, realizing his loyalty belonged first to his children. He and his fiancée were not bound to each other, so prioritizing her over them was a betrayal to be mended.
A Scripture to guide introducing a new relationship is “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4, ESV). What is the God-like way of handling a new relationship? God’s dealings with Israel in the Old Testament consistently show His loyalty and love as first belonging to His people. All the earth belongs to God, yet He prioritized Israel over Egypt, calling Israel “my firstborn son” (Exod. 4:23). He says to them “you shall be my treasured possession among all peoples, for all the earth is mine” (Exod. 19:5-6). God, because of His kinship with Israel (Hosea 11:1), viewed them as a treasured possession among all the nations, while also loving the world (John 3:16). Parents must do likewise. Children must be given a voice because remarriage with children is not a private decision.
Marriage is ground zero for familial stability, which leads to societal stability (hence the fifth commandment’s societal promise), therefore a husband and wife should prioritize their marriage for the sake of their children, but dating pursuant to remarriage is a different situation. Remarriage is a (age-appropriate issues considered) family decision. Additionally, a potential stepparent chooses her fiancé and his children equally. Research has repeatedly demonstrated that parental happiness does not translate to children’s happiness or well-being.
Conclusion
Remarriage, technically permissible, is sinful when it violates other obligations. On the other hand, remarriage could be a moral good if it is engaged for the purpose of bringing a semblance of redemptive peace to a family, but if such redemptive peace is unlikely and the remarriage will cause more complication, or is strongly opposed by the children (a small handful of conditions; there are many more), it is best avoided. Permission in one area does not trump obligation in another.
Notes:
[1] Permissible assuming a biblically justifiable divorce. This is a major point of disagreement among scholars, so a discussion of such a large issue as the debate over grounds for divorce and biblical allowance of remarriage is beyond the scope of this short essay; the purpose here is to describe and explore the situation as it is for the Christian divorcee in the context of this consensus.
[2] David Instone-Brewer, “Deuteronomy 24:1-4 and the Origin of the Jewish Divorce Certificate.” Journal of Jewish Studies 49 no. 2, (August 1998), 230-243.
[3] E.g., Gittin 9:3. “R. Judah says, ‘…Let this be from me your writ of divorce…that you may marry anyone you want.’” Jacob Neusner, The Mishnah: A New Translation (New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 1988), 485. See also David Instone-Brewer, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible: The Social and Literary Context, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdman’s, 2002).
[4] Susan Treggiari, “Divorce Roman Style: How Easy and how Frequent was it?” in Beryl Rawson, ed., Marriage, Divorce, and Children in Ancient Rome (Oxford: Canberra Clarendon Press, 1991), 31-35.
[5] Gordon D. Fee, The First Epistle to the Corinthians, ed. Ned B. Stonehouse et al., Revised Edition., The New International Commentary on the New Testament (Grand Rapids, MI; Cambridge, U.K.: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2014), 301-334; David Instone-Brewer, “1 Corinthians 7 in Light of the Graeco-Roman Marriage and Divorce Papyri,” Tyndale Bulletin 51(2) (2001), 101-116.
[6] John Frame, The Duty of the Christian Life, (New Jersey: P&R Publishing, 2008), 17-18.
[7] These are first-page results from Google search for “reasons to remarry after divorce.” This is not to say there are no resources with better reasons; this simply points out what is available at the Google search level. “11 Reasons to Give Marriage Another Shot After Divorce,” Huffpost, January 23, 2014. Accessed April 2, 2024, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/remarriage_n_4532624/amp; “Reasons Why You Need to Remarry After a Divorce,” Times of India, Updated March 23, 2021, https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/love-sex/reasons-why-you-need-to-remarry-after-a-divorce/amp_etphotostory/81634994.cms; Cathy Meier, “Six Convincing Reasons to Remarry After Divorce,” Brides.com, Updated March 23, 2021. https://www.brides.com/reasons-to-remarry-after-divorce-1103044; “Reasons to Remarry After Divorce,” Unhappy Marriage. Accessed April 2, 2024. https://www.unhappymarriage.info/reasons-to-remarry-after-divorce/; “Should You Remarry After Divorce?” Unhappy Marriage. Accessed April 2, 2024, https://www.unhappymarriage.info/should-you-remarry-after-divorce/; Rachel Pace, “10 Considerations When Remarrying After Divorce,” Update March 25, 2023, https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/what-to-consider-before-remarrying/#5_benefits_of_remarrying_after_divorce.
[8] 11 Reasons to Give Marriage Another Shot After Divorce,” Huffpost, January 23, 2014. Accessed April 2, 2024, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/remarriage_n_4532624/amp.
[9] Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, The Divorce Culture, (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1997): 45-106.
[10] Andrew J. Cherlin, The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, (New York, Alfred A. Knopf, 2009): 20-44, 100-130.
[11] Abigail Favale, The Genesis of Gender: A Christian Theory, (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 2022), 53-83. See my review here.
[12] Considering remarriage rates vary between about 30% and 65% depending on age, according to Pew Research 2014 analysis. Although, according to the same report, remarriage among those under 50 has decreased substantially since the 1960’s. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/11/14/chapter-2-the-demographics-of-remarriage/.
[13] Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, “Dan Quayle Was Right,” The Atlantic Monthly, April 1993, 50.
[14] “4 Considerations When Remarrying After Divorce with Kids,” OurFamilyWizard. Accessed April 2, 2024, https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/4-considerations-when-remarrying-after-divorce-kids.
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